Boy mums, please just stop

A man kissed a woman without her consent on national TV. His mum went on hunger strike in his defence. Naturally.

Where’s the support group for girls who’ve grown up watching their brothers be mollycoddled by their mums? I would say this is a uniquely South Asian problem but male supremacy knows no melanin, it circumvents culture, religion and other divisions. But brown mums of boys definitely have high ranking when it comes to babying, enabling and unconditionally forgiving their sons.

The stakes don’t even have to be that high, I’ve seen my mum hug and greet my brother with kisses simply because he had a shower. Even I’ve felt the urge to thank him for doing the dishes, or congratulate him in sincerity when he ‘cooked’ eggs for the first time. I’ve seen male cousins be called ‘good boys’ for picking up litter, throwing the bins out (this, in fairness, is a boy job), helping set up the table, and tidying up after themselves. I’m not sure we would’ve had such fanfare for my little sister, or any other girl in the family, for doing the same things. This stuff is inherently expected of girls and women as though the extra X chromosome we have is a gene with a propensity for domestic labour. It is this way because it’s always been this way and even the most progressive households are not always equal. Part of the reason is our parents.

If girl dads make feminists out of them then, sometimes, boy mums do the total opposite. As annoying as it is that men who have largely mistreated women suddenly grow a conscience when they have daughters (so women are only valuable once you’re related to them, eh?) at least they do develop some social awareness. Mums of boys, on the other hand, sometimes become agents of the patriarchy and undo the threads of gender equality. I say sometimes because not every mum is raising their boys to grow accustomed to and perpetuate male supremacy, but some definitely are.

Take Angeles Bejar, mother of Luis Rubiales, for example. Most of us have seen that gross and unsolicited kiss Rubiales planted on Spanish footballer Jenni Hermoso after their World Cup victory. While he claims it was mutual and consensual, Hermoso had this to say: ‘I felt vulnerable and a victim of impulsive-driven, sexist, out-of-place act, without any consent on my part. Quite simply, I was not respected.’ For those saying she didn’t say no, let’s not forget that she also didn’t say yes. While Rubiales has been suspended by FIFA and is currently under investigation, his mum is protesting his innocence with a hunger strike which, she says, will go on indefinitely. On her third day of the hunger strike, her feet are swollen, she is anxious and now in hospital. Why do women put themselves through suffering like this for men?

Now, I don’t have more contempt for Rubiales’s mother than I do him – it was his disgusting actions and behaviour that started all this, even his uncle has said he’s a ‘coward’ who needs ‘re-education on how to treat women’. But I also wish women like his mother wouldn’t be such enablers and be so complicit in misogyny. Why such unequivocal backing of something we all so in 4K? Just because he’s her son doesn’t mean he is above sexual assault. I wish more man mums (you can barely call Rubiales a boy, he’s 46) would stand up to their sexist sons and call them out.

Stuff like this really isn’t surprising, particularly in football. Remember Moroccan footballer Achraf Hakimi? The PSG defender, who is the sixth-highest paid African footballer, was reported to have transferred his wealth into his mother’s name, meaning his ex-wife Hiba Abouk could not lay claims to it. Abouk, an actress with name and wealth of her own accord, filed divorce amid cheating rumours and Hakimi facing preliminary charges of rape.

While there are conflicting reports about whether Hakimi put these provisions in place, his mother, Saida Mouh, had no trouble defending such actions. She told a Moroccan paper:  ‘Ashraf did not inform me of the transfer of his wealth to me, and if he takes any action, it is in order to protect himself. I don't know anything about it, but what's the problem if that's true? If he doesn't do that, he can't get rid of her (Abouk).’

This case was such a gotcha moment for misogynists who gleefully ridiculed Abouk, tarring her with the gold-digger brush and encouraged other men to follow suit and hide their assets. This was despite Hakimi being a Muslim man, and therefore bound by Islamic obligation to financially provide for his wife and kids. And considering how lauded he and his Moroccan teammates were for respecting and honouring their mother at the World Cup in 2022, did people pause to wonder if it was ethical to deprive his own wife and mother of his children? 

People like Hakimi and Rubiales are plenty; powerful, unchecked, and propped up by legions of followers, including women and relatives. We can only pray the men in our lives don’t turn out anything like them. And if they do, let there be consequences.