Istikhara says no: When God is your wingman

How a centuries-old prayer ritual has helped Muslims make life-changing decisions.

Last week, I shared an update on my life, most notably a breakup which sadly resonated with many of you. You left me comments, texts, voice notes, and tweets, sharing your sympathies and camaraderie, which have elevated me.

In an episode of Girls, a fellow writer shares how she covets what everyone thinks of her because how others see her is the only way she can see herself. Other writers and I can relate. So, in sharing the story of my breakup and having you all respond so positively and kindly, it makes me see myself - and I feel strong and good now.

The most common question I got was why and how the breakup happened. 'Tune in to my newsletter next time,' I told people, teasing the revelation as if it were a TV show cliffhanger. And sorry to lean into that trope, but the truth may surprise you.

The relationship ended because of God. I invoked a specific prayer called Istikhara (guidance from God) to show me whether getting married was right for me, my faith, and my future. And He showed me. Call it divine intervention. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet you the bit of gold I own (yes, I'm part of the group of South Asian women who own 11% of the world's gold reserves) that I'm not the only one who has cut ties with a relationship, a job, or a move due to Istikhara.

Like me, many Muslims, before they make major life-altering decisions, perform Istikhara. This is a short ritual where, at the end of prayer, you ask God to guide you towards making a decision that is good for you, your livelihood, and for your afterlife (hopefully that means heaven!). Once you do the prayer, you wait for signs over the next few days that show you which path is better for you.

To the secularly aligned, this might sound like hogwash, but it really does work. Some people attest to having magical visions and dreams after performing the Istikhara prayer, but this isn’t the case for most people - I certainly did not have any magical premonitions of the future à la Phoebe from Charmed.

The fun (read: anxiety-inducing) part of doing the Istikhara ritual is looking out for the signs afterward. Muslims seeking Istikhara become most mystical; signs can be sought anywhere and everywhere (I'm reminded of one TikToker who thought he saw an affirmative sign when he saw a car number plate with his suitor's initials). I was even convinced that a lorry advertising the place where my former partner and I had met was a sign to get married because it was following the bus I was on. Reader, let me tell you, God is more grandiose than that. He is the Creator of the heavens and the earth. Automotives are not his usual MO. Give Him a little credit.

The results of Istikhara, I've found among all the people I've consulted, are a sense of peace and contentment with a particular decision, or any ease or difficulties lain toward that outcome. So, for example, if you're seeking an answer to whether you should propose to someone, you might see loads of obstacles in the way, or if you're trying to decide on taking a job or a house move, you might find that everything suddenly becomes very accessible to you (you find a great deal, you hear something good about the position, you're offered better provisions, etc.). 'The main way that God answers the prayer is by clearing the right path while closing all other avenues,' says the Sincere Seeker. In short, it is an inclination you feel towards doing one thing over the other.

It's a cop-out, you might say, over any tough decision-making, and blaming it on God. Or you might say it's a self-fulfilling prophecy where you only reaffirm the decision you made and say it's Godly. But not quite. As Muslims, we believe we have free will, and that God, in His omniscience, knows what decisions we're going to make. But when we do Istikhara, we ask Allah, the All-Knowing, the All-Aware, and the Knower of the unseen and witnessed, which decision is better for us, so that He might guide us towards it.

And Istikhara doesn’t have to be for high-stakes decisions, I love this testimony of a person who performed Istikhara to decide whether to get ice cream or go out to dinner – the latter resulting in finding a work connection that gave them a career edge.

When it comes to results, it can happen that you think you saw the sign (maybe you really thought the initials on the license plate were divine), and so you go ahead and execute that choice, but you might wonder, is there khair, or goodness in it? If you're someone seeking God's guidance, it's imperative you follow through with His answer too.

Istikhara is never more popular than when looking to getting married. So naturally, I, too, had to ask Allah whether getting married was the right thing for me. I did the prayer for approximately a month (you can actually just stop after you get your answer), but I wanted to be sure. I saw signs in anything and everything, but there was one I should've listened to all along: my gut. I had a nervousness in my stomach, a deep drop that happened every time I thought about an outcome, even when someone said the words ‘gut feeling’, I felt triggered. It was my heart’s way of announcing the right choice.

It doesn't matter how much you want a thing; sometimes it's just not meant for you. I know the idea of giving something good up because you think God might want something different sounds absurd to some, and I'm no self-sacrificial martyr, but I only want things God wants for me.

One of the 99 names of Allah is Al-Hakim, the Most Wise. I trust in His infinite wisdom.

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Thank you for reading! If you’re Muslim and want to perform Istikhara, here’s a guide I followed (please do your own research before you decide to do it, I’m no expert!)

After offering two rak’ah of salaah (make the intention to do Istikhara), you recite the Istikhara supplication.

The Salat-al-Istikhara transliteration is:

Allahumma innee astakheeruka bi ilmika wa-astaqdiruka biqudratika wa-as'aluka min fadhlika al-adheem. Fa innaka taqdiru walaa aqdiru. Wa ta'lamu walaa a'alamu wa anta allaamul ghuroob.
Allahumma in kunta ta'lamu anna haadhal-amr khayrun liy fiy deeniy wa-ma'aashiy wa-'aaqibat amriy, faqdur hu liy wa- liy thumma baarik liy feehi. Wa in-kunta ta'lamu anna haadhal amr sharrun liy fiy deeniy wa-ma'aashiy wa-'aaqibat amriy. Fa asrifhu 'annee wa-srifni 'anhu. Wa aqdur lial khayra haythu kaana thumma a-rdhiniy bihee.

The English translation is:

O Allah! Behold I ask You the good through Your Knowledge, and ability through Your Power, and beg (Your favour) out of Your infinite Bounty. For surely You have Power; I have none. You know all; I know not. You are the Great Knower of all things.
O Allah! If in Your Knowledge this matter be good for my faith, for my livelihood, and for the consequences of my affairs, then ordain it for me, and make it easy for me, and bless me therein. But if in Your Knowledge, this matter be bad for my faith, for my livelihood, and for the consequences of my affairs, then turn it away from me, and turn me away therefrom, and ordain for me the good wherever it be, and cause me to please with it.

(Where ‘haadhal amr’ (this matter) appears, mention the affair for which you seek guidance.)

I hope you find your answers Inshallah