Matchmaking services are a scam
I'm traumatised by the egomania, absurdity and the cash-grab business of match-making.
Epstein. Israel. Dodgy imams. “FOBs”. Fish. They’re not the sexiest topics and yet, over the weekend I found myself sitting in front of an eccentric matchmaker — who could be mistaken for a cult recruiter — spewing all this. As an introduction to a marriage event, btw. Once he was done explaining how zionism is ruining marriages, the man explained that he has been doing his matchmaking services for 25 years, to the tune of 16,000 global marriages apparently. Nothing like a bit of apartheid to get you in the mood to flirt with some strangers.
This is not my first rodeo with a matchmaking event, but perhaps one of the more bizarre ones. For starers, the event registration required us to transfer £30 into a bank account and await confirmation — something that arrived three days before the event. The organiser then followed up with lengthy emails and instructions, pre-emptively berating latecomers, saying “Muslims continuously to arrive late whilst claiming to be professionals” (bad grammar and all). And here’s the clincher, the organiser was charging people an extra fee to bring a mahram (a family member or trusted friend) along with them; £10 before the event or £20 at the door. To be clear, mahrams are a part of Islamic courtship and I’ve written before about how love should take a village. So perhaps we should be incentivising halal provisions by offering discounts for bringing a mahram and not deterring people from arriving with a confidant. And unsurprisingly not a single person brought a mahram.
These events also don’t offer any food — despite being quite lengthy, and often during lunch times. This particular event also seemed to be spearheaded by a lonely, disgruntled middle-aged man who wanted to spew his fringe views while claiming they “weren’t conspiracy theories”. Conversations between matches were constantly interrupted with his thoughts on multiculturalism and why we ought to marry within our communities, how ‘freshy’ imams hadn’t bothered to learn English, berating East London Mosque and Regents Mosque, and why we should be proud of our heritage. It was giving nationalism. It was giving cult.
Other matchmaking events I’ve attended also seemed to be organised by egotistical people looking to make a quick buck (not even offering a morsel of food despite charging £25/30 entrance fees). At one event, the organiser was selling his book (I don’t think it was even to do with marriage or romance). Others, realising the appetite and demand for in-person matchmaking services, especially by women, are charging women higher prices than men. This is because women often buy tickets right away — I’ve seen many female tickets sell out immediately — whereas events have had to be cancelled in the past as there aren’t enough male sign-ups. So to incentivise them, organisers have started charging men less. How cruel.
Given the wage gap — especially as Muslim women are more likely to earn less — how unfair it is to charge them more, to punish them because they are more proactive about finding a life partner. Then during the event, attendees are expected to spend only three minutes per match cramming in as much information as possible before making a decision on whether to pursue the match or not. How can anyone make such lofty decisions in just 180 seconds? Speed dating has become the de facto norm for matchmaking, with organisers promising up to 50 potential matches in one single event (fewer men have shown up in almost all the matchmaking events I’ve gone to — there were only 11 at the previous one). Never mind that most are of low quality. Then rinse and repeat with the next batch of hopeful suitors. While the organisers rake in the cash, most of the attendees go home, deflated and jaded.
To be clear, not every matchmaking organisation is a scammer. I also attended one arranged by a mosque which not only fed us but began with sincere intentions, paused for prayer, and was organised by a couple who displayed what healthy and safe love looks like. What better place to find love than in the house of God?
And let’s not forget that the alternative — the Dating App Industrial Complex — is an even bigger scammer. No, really. Match Group, the parent company of Hinge and Tinder is actively facing multiple ongoing class-action and civil lawsuits for deceptive business practices, including ‘game-like’ design features to intentionally lock users into perpetual pay-to-play loops, and for safety and negligence, allowing sexual assaulters and harassers to remain on the apps. Now there’s data to show that many profiles are bots and AI-generated. So, congrats, you matched with a robot. No wonder he doesn’t get your jokes.
Then there’s the entertainment matchmakers, like any Netflix or ITV show with the word love in the title, or like Seema Aunty from Indian Matchmaking (or its offshoots) or One Percent Better on TikTok, known for her quick wit and brutal honesty. Sure, they may be trying to find you decent matches but their goal is brand exposure and their own financial interests. See how One Percent Better’s content blew up, especially while exposing some of the more egregious requests she gets, allowing her to charge a fee to make romantic introductions, all the while her content is monetised.
You can’t really resent people for wanting to make money, or even capitalising off something as in-demand as love and connection (or maybe you can). But I wish people could hold those two things at once in a more kind, holistic way. Like being compensated for their time and hosting, but also caring about the courageous people who show up for love, by learning about them, by not treating them as attendance fodder, through reminding matches of prophetic practices, through encouraging the ways intended by Allah, through adequate after care, through continuing the search for them. Maybe that requires a whole new ecosystem of love and care.
So, what’s a girl looking for love, to do? As a Muslim, the solution is clear; lock in for Allah and all your duaas and rizq will come chasing you, including marriage, romance and all the other good stuff. But ultimately, love isn’t something you earn because you were good and did all the right things. It is written for you in all sorts of ways, not just romantically — recognise all the other ways you have love in your life and give it back generously. And have certainty that there is someone out there for you, because hope, like faith, is a discipline. It requires conviction and effort. So keep pouring into yourself, because the longest relationship you’ll have is with yourself, nurture that first and always. This will attract all kinds of beautiful love.
"The longest relationship you'll have is with yourself" <3
I actually found a matchmaking service recently that I signed up to - they have a free plan (thank god)