I’m not Muslim, but this piece resonated with me deeply. The way you described the weight of shame, the struggle with identity, and the quiet ache of unmet expectations—it felt so familiar. I’ve also had moments where I questioned my worth, not because of romantic loneliness, but because I felt I had failed myself, my values, my sense of purpose. And like you, I’ve had people misread that pain, reducing it to something simpler, something more socially acceptable.
Your words reminded me that meaning isn’t found in milestones or validation from others—it’s in how we show up, how we care, how we build lives that matter. I loved your call to decentre romantic love and invest in community, friendship, and compassion. It’s something I’ve been trying to do more intentionally, and reading this made me feel less alone in that effort.
Thank you for writing with such honesty and grace. You reminded me that even in our lowest moments, there’s a way back to ourselves.
Ana that comment means so much to me, thank you so much for reading it, engaging with it and leaving a comment. I always worry about alienating non-Muslim readers but so happy to know it can still resonate (though I am sorry you’re experiencing the same marriage related questioning as I and so many women like us are). I am also trying to be more community-forward and pour into family and friendships. Wishing you love and light 💗
I believe that we all believe in the same God, but we call him by different names, that's why our faith is common. I hope my comment doesn't offend anyone. But thank you for writing so beautifully and speaking about things truly.
Jzk for writing this piece. I remember as early as being in high school when my friend and I met some girls from another school and I was the only one not in a relationship. One of the girls looked at me with so much sadness and literally apologized to me. She said, “oh I’m so sorry you don’t have a boyfriend.” And I was taken aback and immediately said, “oh no, I’m perfectly fine.”
Later in my late 20s when I was actively looking for a spouse, I had a friend tell me “oh it must be so hard, don’t worry there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” And I said, “actually it’s more like a walk on the beach because I’m so blessed to have so much love in my life, Alhamdullilah.”
This is such a poignant and powerful piece because we as a society do value romantic relationships as some holy grail of success. And Alhamdullilah as a married woman now, I want to say it’s STILL UNHELPFUL to center my romantic relationship above others. I love my spouse but I am so grateful to have other passions and people in my life that fulfill me in so many ways, most importantly nothing fills my soul more than the remembrance of and my connection with Allah SWT.
I’m currently reading Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn and her book explores this concept too, it’s been so helpful to read. Natasha also talks about another aspect we overly praise as a society which is parenthood and how painfully difficult that is for those couples who want to conceive but struggle to.
Maria what a wonderful perspective! I’m going to steal your phrase it’s a walk on the beach because alhamdulillah it truly is. I am currently looking at the moon lit ocean subhanallah our Lord is so generous in so many ways, if He, from his infinite wisdom, decides to withhold marriage for us then there it is truly for the best. And we have so many other blessings. Thank you for that wonderful comment and reminder Allah bless you
Well said. Gotta invest in all the pots in our gardens while we wait for the "love" one to grow something. And when it does, you keep watering ans tending to all the different pots.
This hits so close to home because I just had a rant conversation with my 14 year old sister a few weeks ago talking about how romantic love is such a selfish love and a bully that takes credence from other relationships that exists in our lives once we center it. And, we were raised upon the ideology of centering it as the sole purpose of our existence while considering the others as mere placeholders. This is unfair to ourselves and to those that have loved us all along. Romantic love is the closest thing we have to magic, or perhaps we haven't searched well enough.
Yes you’re right placeholder is the best way to put it! I really think we’re indoctrinated to think of romantic love more and pursue it more than our love of Allah SWT which is so bad. May Allah guide us all
Amin thumma Amin. Honestly, the love of Allah, to truly love Allah like we would love those precious to us was never really a part of our teachings. We are thought to worship, to obey, to follow, but not to perceive Allah as a Creator who loves and should be loved. Oftentimes, we figure that out along the way when we discover that Allah love us more than we can ever love Him or ourselves. His Rahman supersedes His wrath, so we have been told.
Thanks sister, needed this especially when marriage is over romanticize in this day and age. Exploring other aspects of life and earning the pleasure of Allah is a priority on top of the list. When you focus in seeking the pleasure of Allah in everything you do things become different, and you get to enjoy every bit of it.
I’m not Muslim, but this piece resonated with me deeply. The way you described the weight of shame, the struggle with identity, and the quiet ache of unmet expectations—it felt so familiar. I’ve also had moments where I questioned my worth, not because of romantic loneliness, but because I felt I had failed myself, my values, my sense of purpose. And like you, I’ve had people misread that pain, reducing it to something simpler, something more socially acceptable.
Your words reminded me that meaning isn’t found in milestones or validation from others—it’s in how we show up, how we care, how we build lives that matter. I loved your call to decentre romantic love and invest in community, friendship, and compassion. It’s something I’ve been trying to do more intentionally, and reading this made me feel less alone in that effort.
Thank you for writing with such honesty and grace. You reminded me that even in our lowest moments, there’s a way back to ourselves.
Ana that comment means so much to me, thank you so much for reading it, engaging with it and leaving a comment. I always worry about alienating non-Muslim readers but so happy to know it can still resonate (though I am sorry you’re experiencing the same marriage related questioning as I and so many women like us are). I am also trying to be more community-forward and pour into family and friendships. Wishing you love and light 💗
I believe that we all believe in the same God, but we call him by different names, that's why our faith is common. I hope my comment doesn't offend anyone. But thank you for writing so beautifully and speaking about things truly.
Thank you again!
Jzk for writing this piece. I remember as early as being in high school when my friend and I met some girls from another school and I was the only one not in a relationship. One of the girls looked at me with so much sadness and literally apologized to me. She said, “oh I’m so sorry you don’t have a boyfriend.” And I was taken aback and immediately said, “oh no, I’m perfectly fine.”
Later in my late 20s when I was actively looking for a spouse, I had a friend tell me “oh it must be so hard, don’t worry there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” And I said, “actually it’s more like a walk on the beach because I’m so blessed to have so much love in my life, Alhamdullilah.”
This is such a poignant and powerful piece because we as a society do value romantic relationships as some holy grail of success. And Alhamdullilah as a married woman now, I want to say it’s STILL UNHELPFUL to center my romantic relationship above others. I love my spouse but I am so grateful to have other passions and people in my life that fulfill me in so many ways, most importantly nothing fills my soul more than the remembrance of and my connection with Allah SWT.
I’m currently reading Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn and her book explores this concept too, it’s been so helpful to read. Natasha also talks about another aspect we overly praise as a society which is parenthood and how painfully difficult that is for those couples who want to conceive but struggle to.
Maria what a wonderful perspective! I’m going to steal your phrase it’s a walk on the beach because alhamdulillah it truly is. I am currently looking at the moon lit ocean subhanallah our Lord is so generous in so many ways, if He, from his infinite wisdom, decides to withhold marriage for us then there it is truly for the best. And we have so many other blessings. Thank you for that wonderful comment and reminder Allah bless you
Well said. Gotta invest in all the pots in our gardens while we wait for the "love" one to grow something. And when it does, you keep watering ans tending to all the different pots.
Aww I like that analogy!
i blame my sister for all the pots she keeps in my room lol
There are worse things to have in your room! At least they make for good analogies
I had a whole infestation of HUGE house flies once in my room cuz of her pots lol
You should read Quran to them so they testify for you on yawm al-qiyaamah
U...mean the plants right? Lol, cuz i swatted every fly like there was no tomorrow 🤣
This is so true. Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
Thank you for reading!
‘And we shouldn’t simply do these things in hopes that someone will one day notice it and want to marry us.’ This!
"We place romantic love on a pedestal"
This hits so close to home because I just had a rant conversation with my 14 year old sister a few weeks ago talking about how romantic love is such a selfish love and a bully that takes credence from other relationships that exists in our lives once we center it. And, we were raised upon the ideology of centering it as the sole purpose of our existence while considering the others as mere placeholders. This is unfair to ourselves and to those that have loved us all along. Romantic love is the closest thing we have to magic, or perhaps we haven't searched well enough.
JazakumuLlahu khear for this. ✨
Yes you’re right placeholder is the best way to put it! I really think we’re indoctrinated to think of romantic love more and pursue it more than our love of Allah SWT which is so bad. May Allah guide us all
Amin thumma Amin. Honestly, the love of Allah, to truly love Allah like we would love those precious to us was never really a part of our teachings. We are thought to worship, to obey, to follow, but not to perceive Allah as a Creator who loves and should be loved. Oftentimes, we figure that out along the way when we discover that Allah love us more than we can ever love Him or ourselves. His Rahman supersedes His wrath, so we have been told.
Thanks sister, needed this especially when marriage is over romanticize in this day and age. Exploring other aspects of life and earning the pleasure of Allah is a priority on top of the list. When you focus in seeking the pleasure of Allah in everything you do things become different, and you get to enjoy every bit of it.
Thank you for reading and commenting! I hope you gain closeness to our Lord and are showered with rizq. Ameen
this has to be ragebait