Romance as rizq: Not everyone is going to have it

Omar Suleiman's Why Me series on love and marriage has us singletons gagged. Let's talk about it.

When I saw an Instagram snippet of the great scholar Omar Suleiman talking about love and romance in his yearly Ramadan series (this year’s theme is "Why Me"), I had to tap away; I was not in the right headspace to receive the pearls of wisdom he was about to drop. I had to save this for later. For those who don’t know, Dr Omar Suleiman from the Yaqeen Institute shares 10-minute videos each day in Ramadan related to questions we have about ourselves and how we can reframe our mindsets to get closer to Allah. On Day 15, he addressed something singletons probably think about every day – love.

Later, a friend I was having iftar with mentioned the video but I instinctively shushed her; I didn’t want any spoilers. She encouraged me to watch it and take in his message. I knew this video was going to @ me. I decided to watch this clip after the weekend ended, in quiet solitude so I could cry if I needed to. And obviously, I did. One line in the video that had all the girlies gagged was understanding love and romance as rizq, or provisions from God. In Islam, rizq is such an important concept – it encompasses everything tangible and intangible. Rizq can mean sustenance, gifts, wealth, property, peace, family. We understand rizq as blessings from Allah, they may be things we’re privileged to have or things we don’t necessarily have but can still achieve goodness through.

What was compelling about this video was the understanding of love and romance as rizq – this too is a provision from God. Naturally, Muslims believe that everything comes from God so this idea that love also comes from Him isn’t so shocking. The real astounding realisation was that, like other forms of rizq, not everyone is going to have romance in this life. Of course, some of us singletons have suspected we’re going to be alone forever (spend five minutes on Muzz Match, singleness doesn’t seem so bad now eh?), but to know love is not in your divine decree is a sobering realisation. And this is the bit people are struggling with.

I’m such a lover girl. You’ll know from my writing here how quickly I can imagine my life with someone who seldom deserves it. When I like someone, I like them like them, quickly. I’m a romantic at heart. Even writing this now, I imagine myself sharing this on Twitter, and then a six-foot single Muslim man in his early 30s with a stable career, a fun and funny disposition, and a beard that connects, DMs me to tell me how much he enjoyed my writing, and it’s the start of a great romance. We fall happily in love and become one of those couples who share side-by-side images of ‘how it started versus how it’s going’. But alas, that’s probably not written for me.

Sometimes I see comments of unmarried Muslim women sharing how they’ve been searching for a spouse for 5/6 years and I feel a pang in my stomach. They, too, have been doing tahajjud (voluntary night prayers) every night, why are our arrows missing their targets? Is that an insight into my future? Will I still be sharing tales of missed connections on this Substack in the next five years?

But, alhamdulillah, I don’t feel defeated. Dr Suleiman’s video isn’t to make singles feel worse, in fact I felt much comfort from the reminder that romantic love, like all of Allah’s blessings, will only come to me if Al-Hakim, the Most Wise, has written it for me. And if He has delayed it or denied it, it means He’s going to bless me with something better, if not in the dunya (the world) then the hereafter. Let’s not forget that those of us who don’t have romantic love are still open to pleasing Allah in other ways. As a single 30-year-old woman, I’m not busied by the duties of a mother or wife – this opens me to extra ibadah, a blessing I’ve felt especially in Ramadan. This is my rizq. The fact that I can get up with speed for tahajjud and fajr every morning without issue is rizq. The freedom that has allowed me to read the Qur’an everyday, learn about the Prophet’s (PBUH) life and do my daily istighfar is rizq. It’s not to say married people don’t have these privileges, but life does get in the way and free time is such huge rizq – this is something I have to remind myself when I get upset about being unemployed for almost two years. My top-tier friendships are rizq. Look around you, rizq is everywhere!

As a lover girl, I have to contend with the fact that love and romance may not be written in my rizq. But I have other ways through which I can be blessed by and please Allah.

But I can understand why people are upset with the idea that love may not be written for them. Regardless of whatever culture you come from, love is one of the most aspirational things to have and do. Sometimes it feels like marriage is the sixth pillar of Islam, the way this goal is projected onto us, especially as women. So now to contend with the fact it might never happen? That’s a tough pill to swallow.

Since seeing the video, I feel a sort of contentment because as a Muslim, I feel like you can’t really lose. Either I’ll make so much duaa (prayer) that Allah will grant me what I want, or one day I’ll go to Jannah (heaven) Inshallah and be blessed with all my unanswered duaas. There’s a hadith that says when you see the beautiful form your unanswered duaas take in Jannah, you’ll wish none of your prayers were ever answered. And how can we despair about the things we haven’t got when our Lord is so kind? The Prophet (PBUH) said: ‘There is no Muslim who calls upon Allah, as long as it’s not a sinful ask or cutting off families ties, that Allah will give them one of three things; fulfilling your ask, Allah will avert an evil or similar away from you, or Allah will store it in the hereafter like a treasure”.

Let’s be more like Umar Ibn Khattab (RAA) who said ‘When I make duaa, I only concern myself with the ability to ask, not the answer’, meaning he only wants to be guided to duaa, because he knows Allah will give him something good through it, whether the duaa is answered or not. We should only be concerned if we aren’t able to make duaa because it means we aren’t relying on Him.

So when we grow frustrated because it feels like our duaas are not being answered, remember that Allah could actually be saving you from a bad marriage, He could give you something better than what you ask, avert a calamity from your or your family, or He could be waiting to give it to you in Jannah. Do any of these things seem like a consolation prize to a spouse? Like I say, when you’re a Muslim, there’s no losing. Alhamdulillah.

There are lots of duaas you can say specifically asking for a good spouse, don’t ever lose hope, Allah’s mercy is so strong it can rewrite your qadar (fate). Allah is shy to turn away from our duaas so ask Al-Wadud, the Most Loving, Al-Wahab, the Bestower of gifts and Ar-Razzaq the Provider to grant you the prayers of your hearts.

And while you’re there, pray for me to be granted a smart, funny, deen-conscious Muslim man. Ameen.